So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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