I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
