Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
