I forgot how hot balto sounded
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
