Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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