Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
