I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I could have mohawked her pubes.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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