this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
