yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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