I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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