Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
