I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
