why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
