3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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