at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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