what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
