You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
