I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
