I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
