Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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