So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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