take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm passing your future prison.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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