If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
