just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
