I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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