god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
