Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
