Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
did you just send me my own nude
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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