dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
There r osticjed everywhere
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
