I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
