if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
