So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
this hospital has no fireball
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
