im so drunk with asians
where?
always
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
