Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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