I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
