thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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