I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
