we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My liver just had a heart attack.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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