Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
