You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
