"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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