Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
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who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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