I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I showed him my bush... on skype.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
