Just took my morning after pill in the library
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
