Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
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Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
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This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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