i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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