So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
