I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
