Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
