Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
