Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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