haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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