When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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