Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
ttyl tear gas
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
