farters have to be the big spoon...
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
