I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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